Just a bit of an update?

Well hello blog world, remember me?? It’s been a little bit since my last post…

I feel like I crawled into a dark, eerie cave and I am finally coming out it to see the daylight. The past 8 months have been quite frankly a blur, but I feel like I am ready to talk about it.

This past October, Jeff and I celebrated 8 years together. The morning of our anniversary, I took a positive pregnancy test and our lives immediately changed. We were ecstatic. I was completely shocked and probably took about 20 more tests over the next week just to confirm. I just couldn’t believe it was real. This was ACTUALLY happening to us. I will never forget the moment we found out. Jeff’s face will be a memory I will always cherish. He was so giddy, we had no idea what was ahead of us, but in that moment, this little plastic stick had changed our future forever. I went to the doctor to confirm, but yes, we were having a baby!

We scheduled our first ultrasound for the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday could not have been more appropriate. At 10 weeks, we found out we lost our little “Almond.” The fetus no longer had a heartbeat. I felt my heart break. I had so many emotions going through me. Our baby was there. Its heart beat inside me and then it stopped. Just like that, it was over. It was like a cruel trick my body played on me as if it never happened.

It’s been about three months now and I don’t think the pain of the reality will ever go away. I have found to stay close those who can really empathize with our pain. Others try to minimize the situation as if it’s going to cheer you up to just “move on.” I understand how it can be hard for those who have never had any issues to relate to something like this at no fault of their own. I wish I could take this pain from future couples who experience this. It’s an awful feeling.

Jeff has been nothing short of wonderful in his support. I often forget that this is happening to him too. He lost this little future as well. We were in this together and it doesn’t stop after our loss. In order to move ahead we must stick together. I can understand how tragedies can drift couples apart. We all grieve so differently. It’s easy to resent your partner for not grieving the exact same way you are. What’s important is that you support each other through their grief.

I must admit, there are days where I can’t seem to shake reality. I often find myself lost in my own head trying to figure out a way to change what happened. The best advice, my Mom gave me was to experience my grief headfirst and to let it happen. Not to pretend it’s not there. When I get sad, be sad and know its okay to feel sad. If I get angry, be angry and know its okay to be angry.

I was reading a book called, “Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed. The author wrote as an advice columnist for a website and the book is a collection of those stories. One woman wrote to her about her recent miscarriage. She lost her baby at 6 months and it had been over year and she just could not get through it. She felt stuck. I could literally feel the woman’s pain right from the page. Here’s some of what Cheryl said in response:

“You will never stop loving your daughter. You will never forget her. You will always know her name. Nobody can intervene and make that right and nobody will. Nobody can take it back with silence or push it away with words. Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends and other people who live on Planet My Baby Died can help you along the way, but the healing – the genuine healing, the actual real deal down on your knees in the mud change is entirely and absolutely up to you.”

This paragraph hit me hard. I knew exactly what my mom meant at that moment. The only way to get through heartache is to survive it, endure it and move on in a positive direction. Easier said than done, but I know this is what I have to do. I could sit here and be stuck, but if I don’t have the courage to be “unstuck” I will never see the opportunities right in front of me.

Life certainly has not gone to the plan Jeff and I had hoped for, but that doesn’t mean we will give up. I look up to my husband’s strength. As much as it pains me to say, I know there is a reason to why everything happens. I do not know why this happened to us, but I do know I’m learning each and everyday how to heal.